Really...a Soldier?

I’m thinking that I need to impose a USMC Advisory for the following, so without further ado: The following post is rated NC-USMC as it contains excessive use of profane language for you as a Marine.

This post is being placed in this blog for what I believe to be obvious reasons ;)

Who knew that the Army (I know…I know…dirty word, I didn’t even give you a chance before I started with the profanity) anywho, who knew that the Army could produce such a sexy little soldier (holy hell) where did he come from??? I mean good God! To make things even better, he rescued me (okay well us) not once, not twice, actually I don’t know how many times he rescued my ass in this effing snow tonight. His side partner for the evening was in typical ARMY fashion (out of shape, overweight, lazy and just looking downright horrible in that uniform, completely disrespecting it). At one point in time, he was literally pushing my vehicle all by himself to the point where I genuinely thought he was going to blow out his carotid artery and at least one vein in his neck. I felt so bad for getting my vehicle stuck again. On a complete side note I would just like to point out that this would not have happened had the idiot driving the city vehicle didn’t just abandoned it in the middle of the street causing me to have to stop my vehicle in order to back up!

So, needless to say, I put at least one member of the National Guard to work tonight (that man deserves a night off after what I put him through) only good thing about all of this is that getting stuck all those times on the trek back to the district was that it really did waste a lot of time. Okay, okay and I got to scope out a nice looking soldier and I got to toss some jokes around with my partners about some things.

Time for me to order my troops to return to HQ to wait out the rest of our tour of duty for the night, I don’t see any reason for us to be out on these streets ill-equipped any longer than we already have been.

Life Lessons

To err is human; to forgive is divine. Alexander Pope

Hmmm…I guess there must be something in the air this weekend because this forgiving stuff is seriously running its course through my system and turning out to be a whole lot easier with practice. I have never been one to hold a grudge or to dwell on things for too long. I have definitely never been a fan of drama and the drama appears to be over and done with for the most part, aside from an occasional email from the third party via fb which has actually just been pretty hilarious and a little sad (not for me of course).

All in all, I just have better things to concern myself with. I don’t see the point of being upset with myself. So, I end up being out a few hundred dollars…no, I truly can’t afford to be out that much money. Yea, I missed a truck payment and Vegas is definitely out now, but hey, life is going on and I’m going to move right along with it.

So…in case you haven’t figured out, today I have forgiven douche bag #2 (boy, I better get to work on these nicknames, huh?) Yes, (gasp) he lied, but I knew he was lying – it was comical for a little while because he thought he was getting away with it, but then it just got annoying. If nothing else I am a great detective and a fantastic bluffer (need to play poker more). There is no reason not to forgive him…now this doesn’t mean that I have forgotten, but I read somewhere that when you hold resentment toward another that you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel and forgiveness is truly the only way to dissolve that link and get free. And I am definitely all about my freedom!

Life is great…there are all these wonderful life lessons to be learned and I am a true student of life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. One thing that I have learned is that if you fail a lesson in life, you can expect to have a pop quiz on the subject matter again when you least expect it! :)

Trials and tribulations…joys and sorrows, they are all fantastic in their own right!

A little of what I have learned…

I have learned that there are imperfections in every human being (myself included). Loving and trusting a person to be who they are and to behave appropriately is just one of those things. If you trust someone in the wrong way, and they disappoint you, you were the one who was mistaken, therefore, you must revise your expectations of the person, and then your opinion of the life lesson they are learning and you make the choice to forgive. You chose to forgive, but not necessarily forget, because just like you they are working on whatever life lesson they failed. Now be advised they may fail again because some people may fail the same life lesson many times before learning it and if you chose to allow that person to stay in your life or at a later date bring them back into your life, you can only trust that they are working on it (they cannot really do otherwise because they are going to have to get it right eventually…even though it may end up being in another life) and love them in spite of it, or perhaps even because of it and who they are. Because you can only hope that they will do the same for you, for we are all learning our own lessons.

Grudges…Grudges are directly counter to this. They are attempts to freeze situations as they are, and ultimately stop or preclude growth. They do this by fostering the assumption, either openly or tacitly, that the person who hurt you will always be at that level of development (that that is the way they are and they will remain, you know that "evil person" who basely betrayed you and will always do so, that person who should suffer greatly for their offense against you) and/or stops you from growing by holding onto that pain, by assuming that you were completely, or mostly, in the right and did little or nothing to contribute to the outcome of the situation. You disclaim self-responsibility and stop yourself from learning the lessons you need to because you blind yourself to them. This self-as-victim and other-as-"batwings-from-hell" is false -- you were two (or more) growing and developing humans who, together, created a situation; now, what can you learn from this?

Forgiveness…. Many people seem to have the idea that to practice forgiveness is to somehow make yourself into a sap, someone too weak to "stand up for themselves" or a masochist – sometimes, I truly wonder about this one ;). That is a defense, like the other self-righteous blinders previously discussed. Forgiveness is difficult. It takes time and effort; it requires a measure of self-responsibility, directly addressing the problem and pain, and forgoing the pleasure of vindictiveness. It requires that you deal with them not just all-at-once, but on a continuing basis while the pain heals and you must either attempt to change the situation in some constructive manner or admit that the situation cannot be changed by you and accept that. However, it does stop the cycle, reduces your anger along with the feelings that you need to force someone to change, allows less accumulation of "bad karma," and gets you back on track in learning life lessons. It changes your world by allowing you to love more, feel more hopeful, be optimistic, sleep better, to be less anxious or depressed, and just too truly enjoy your life, which is something you had probably forgotten about. It doesn’t reduce your ability to be assertive (in fact, it actually enhances it because you improve your self-esteem), and the more you do it, the more your attitude and world improve (good karma) and the less you find you have to do it because you are being hurt less often because you are less sensitive and looking for a reason to be hurt.

Forgiveness

Today, I rose from my slumber and was met by this sense that something was different within me this day. I couldn’t quite figure out exactly what it was that I was feeling differently about or what had brought on this unexpected transformation? I did, however; enjoy the sensation immensely and I suddenly understood that today was a new day (I know…I know… how uber cliché of me), but it was the truth I felt so rejuvenated and revitalized.

When Zeus and I ambled out our front door for our morning walk, I was met by this familiar warmth on my face and the welcomed embrace of my much loved spring-like fresh air. My spirit continued to be lifted; boy what a day this is going to turn out to be…it truly is a gorgeous day - a little piece of heaven even!

We didn’t get far, when I realized that there was something more going on. (Silly girl) I detected that I was walking a little taller and my soul a little lighter, as if something that I had been hauling around with me for some time had unexpectedly been lifted away, had freed me from its grasped and I must say it felt utterly astonishing. I recognized what it was instantaneously and couldn’t help but to laugh aloud. The time had finally arrived!

Forgiveness had finally entered my heart and acceptance in my soul!

After all that transpired during these last 19 months, I have finally found the ability to forgive or maybe it found me. The smile that overtakes my face is apparently contagious as my faithful companion is now sporting his own version in which he presumably has decided to dangle his tongue from one side! ;)
I have forgiven the douche bag…come on now; I said I forgive him that doesn’t mean that I have to stop calling him a douche bag, does it? j/k It is only until I determine his permanent ‘ex’ nickname to protect his identity – then he will be filed away into the collection with the likes of Major Cummings, Guam, , Psycho, Too Nice; etc. at least until my memoir is published)

I forgive him...
I forgive him for lying, for not having the courage to do the right thing.
I forgive him for the abuse,
the emotional
the financial
the physical

The most beautiful thing of all in all of this is that I have also forgiven myself. Words cannot begin to describe the feelings that arise out of this! The weight of my world has been lifted off of my shoulders and that is so freeing…so empowering. Along with finding the ability to forgive myself, I have also come to terms and have found a way to completely accept my loss where I no longer blame myself and/or anyone else. Yes, it still saddens me when I think about it, but I understand that that is okay. It’s okay and so am I.

There is still much to face and triumph over in retrospect, but I will get there.